As a passenger, you’ll have questions when boarding an aircraft. You’ll have questions during the flight. And bless your little hearts you’ll have questions during those last moments as we’re trying to usher you out of the plane. And normally as flight attendants we are only too happy to answer all your questions because this is an exciting time for you and you’re in our territory now; we hold all the answers.
But every now and then someone comes along and requests something from us so monumentally out of touch with reality that it makes my eyes flutter a bit. And it takes all the will I have in my body to hold back the monster made from purest sarcasm residing in in my head from lashing out. So, for the fun of it, here’s a list of some of the more preposterous requests made from passengers and what was my initial knee jerk reaction to answer with, followed by my real answer when the intensive service training manages to kick in – often only just in time.
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“Why have we not left yet?”
What I want to say:
Because all the flight attendants and pilots get a sick satisfaction from watching others worry. It speeds up our pulse rates in the most pleasurable way to work with a group of panicky / bored plebs worrying whether they will make their connecting flight or speculating on how they can take out this frustration on us. We honestly hate it when the flight takes off on time because then you won’t regale us with your favourite phrases such as “You know [other airline] never takes this long” or “we better get compensated for this delay”.
So, the reason we haven’t left is purely for the satisfaction. Sexual satisfaction at that. It’s more filling than airplane casseroles.
What I actually say:
We are doing our best efforts at the moment sir / ma’am. I’ll have a quick check with my supervisor / the commander on how long we expect the delay to be.
[Walks away to go stare at a wall for a few minutes]
Should be less than ten minutes, we are doing our best to leave as soon as possible and land on time.
“Can you please tell the Captain to fly the plane properly?” [during turbulence]
What I want to say:
Listen here you little bitch, the Captain has been challenged to a drag race by a competing airline pilot. If you think he gives one iota of a f*ck in the world about your opinion of his driving, then you’re more delusional than the captain’s ex-wife who left him because he has a “drinking” problem. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go hold the steering wheel while the captain shot guns a double whiskey – his hands get the shakes otherwise.
What I actually say:
We are currently going through an area of turbulence, but don’t worry, it’s nothing to be frightened of. We just need you to put your seat belt on until we reach clear skies. In the mean time can I get you a drink?
Thank you for your patience and understanding.
“That landing was quite bad…” [As they were leaving the plane after we touched down during a heavy crosswinds landing]
What I want to say:
Oh.my.god you’re right. For the sake of the captain and the crew’s honor we must perform a do over. Everyone strap back into your seats we’re going around again.
If we don’t redeem ourselves in your eyes regarding landing in difficult weather, then we shan’t sleep a single wink tonight. Your opinion as someone without any flying training is very important to everyone here.
F*ck off.
What I actually say:
Thank you for flying with us today. Hope to see you soon.
Thank you for your patience and understanding.
“Can you tell the Captain to fly the plane faster? I have an important meeting to make.”
What I want to say:
Yea I’ll just go tell the Captain to ignore all the regulations of the airline he is flying for, spend a couple of thousands dollars’ worth on burning more fuel for speed and screwing over flight control’s schedule so we can be 20 minutes earlier for you to wait for your next flight and you can have time for that extra vodka and tonic. Because you are that important.
F*ck off.
What I actually say:
The commander is doing his best to make sure we land in a timely fashion.
We appreciate your patience in this matter.
“I would like steak.”
What I want to say:
From my arse or what?
What I actually say:
Oh, sir unfortunately we don’t have any steak on the menu today, today’s options are [rambles on about what’s on the actual menu]. Can I get you anything to drink with that?
“Where can I go for a smoke?”
What I want to say:
On the wing of the plane, let me just get the door for you.
What I actually say:
We do have a strict no smoking policy on board this aircraft. It is a very dangerous fire hazard and we do appreciate your co-operation on this matter. There will be smoking lounges at the airport.
“Why are you not starting the food service?” [After the Captain made a public announcement that Cabin Crew need to sit down because we were going through some strong turbulence]
What I want to say:
Because we ate all the food. All of it. It was a delicious steak. And now we feel like sitting down and laughing at the hungry expressions on your faces.
Also, I don’t feel like being tossed around the cabin like a rag doll in the hands of an angry toddler because you need to wash your airplane food down with a second glass of wine to forget your troubles back home.
F*ck off.
What I actually say:
Since the Captain has made a PA stating that we can expect stronger turbulence incoming, we are securing ourselves down until it passes due to the danger that a moving food cart with tea and coffee can present to passengers and fellow cabin crew. We will resume the service as soon as we can.
We thank you for your patience and understanding.
“I’m feeling nauseous, can I sit in one of the business class seats because I need to lie down properly?”
What I want to say:
Are you the owner of this airline? Because I didn’t realise you were the freaking owner of this airline who could decide when to ride Business class whenever he wanted.
Those seats are around $5000. So, either cough up the cash / a spare kidney or sit in your paid-for-seat, take the free medication and put on your grown-up underwear.
What I actually say:
I truly apologise ma’am / sir but we are unable to move passengers from economy to business class during a flight unless it’s an emergency and only with permission from the company headquarters. I’m sorry you’re feeling nauseous at this time; may I offer you some medication we have onboard to treat that?
“Why can’t I lie down on the floor here? I’m tired!”
What I want to say:
Because it increases your chance of dying on this flight by around 80%. Not because of any airplane incident… but because I might trip over you in the dark and spill my large drink order and then I will kill you. With one off these horribly ineffective butter knives we have onboard.
Sit the f*ck on your seat.
What I actually say:
It’s a safety regulation. If you are on the ground while we go through any decompression you won’t be able to reach the air masks that drop down from the ceiling and you won’t be secured in the event of an emergency crash landing.
Thank you for your patience and understanding.
“Can I order a special meal now then?” [After they see that others got a dietary meal that they now want, but didn’t order when they booked their tickets]
What I want to say:
Yes, why not. Thank god we have a delivery man on a bicycle with wings who can deliver dietary requirement meals during the entirety of the flight. Would you like some steak to go with that as well? He delivers steak and it’s very good.
What I actually say:
Sir / Ma’am we do need 24 hours to prepare the dietary requirement meals before they can be loaded onto the flight, otherwise we don’t have enough time. If you access your online profile when we get to the airport you can change your settings and we can try to ensure that the amended meal will be available for your next flight. For now, can I offer you some fruit and bread as an alternative?
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So, there you have it; a little more insight into what’s going on in your flight attendant’s mind. So the next time you ask a question and you see the polite mask of civility slip down a bit before its yanked back up, you’ll understand that the psyche behind the face is fighting an intense battle between good and not so fucking good – the answer you should get and the answer you deserve. And one day that being of supernatural sarcasm will break through in all it’s glory and we will probably lose our job.
But until that day… we thank you for your patience and understanding.
