Flight Attendants Vs Escorts; does the difference exist?

To fly all over the world visiting exotic locations, and be treated to the finest cuisines and experiences the rest of us could only ever tentatively write about in our dream journals; such is the life of the extravagant international Escort.

The rest of us will have to make do with managing to become Flight Attendants.

Here are a few similarities we managed to get right though, blurring the lines a bit when it comes to people asking, “So what do you do?”

The job depends largely on looks

Brittany is every Cabin Crew at hear — Me earning that paycheck every.single.flight

For my open day interview, the first test was literally an up-down-side-to-side-please-give-us-a-twirl look before they decided whether or not to give you a full interview to get the job. It’s the exact same set up to clients trying to pick their “companion” for the night, but at least they get to walk away with some money on the counter and a sense of accomplishment. Not twelve hours later feeling war-torn and unsure whether sure you got the part.

So.much.makeup.

It is a little too much makeup — There is too much. And *then* there’s Flight Attendant level.

The female members of any airline Cabin Crew will use approximately three buckets of makeup per flight just to make sure they’re up to standard. Between them and any ladies of the night, you’d have enough concealer and eyeshadow to drown one of the stars of “Toddlers in Tiaras” and put them out of their misery.

Always waking up in a different bed

Flight attendants Got to break in that old hotel bed — Flight attendants first action when entering the hotel room

I’m writing this post from a bed in the Maldives. Before that, it was one in Nairobi and before that it was Chennai. My memories of my own bed back home are faint and feeble. All I have is this locket around my neck with a picture to remind me of its warm folds and cushions for the pushin’s.

Not always sure where we are

Dorothy was the original flight attendant

Are we in Paris? Tokyo? Visiting home for a few days? Nobody knows.

We have to check the nationality of the sleeping person in bed with us to help give us a clue.

“Those are Hungarian features…I must be in Budapest.”

Very well acquitted with many different hotels

I am basically the concierge — I am *basically* the concierge

We are the Marauders Map of hotels such as Radisson Blu, Crowne Plaza and Mercure. I could probably Daredevil myself through those hallways in the dead of night if I required.

Like when I need to get ice from the vending machines. Because the Hungarian guy needs ice for his drink. Okay, so I’m still in Budapest then.

Always getting asked by friends where we’ve “done it”

My response to these horrible accusations as a flight attendant — My response to these barbaric accusations

I have not done it in the lavatories of the plane. Therein lies the epicentre of flaccidity.

The water on the ground of those toilets? Never just water. During a long-haul flight, those bathrooms will see more human waste than a political rally, and while we do give them a wipe down with a thin napkin, the hygiene standards of those “Mile High Club lounges” would make a homeless man clutch at his pearls.

Having large amounts of cash in different currencies

Actual footage of all the different currencies I have as a flight attendant — Actual footage of all the different currencies I have

I have a large plastic baggie of notes from countries all over the world that I plan to use as my retirement fund.

Do you know which country uses the currency known as Kekfrank? Because I don’t. But I hope to hell it’s valuable because the Hungarian left a bunch of it on the dresser table as he left the room without leaving his number. How much ice can I buy with that?

Rich businessmen and women are our bread and butter

Introducing myself to Business class passengers as a flight attendant — Introducing myself to Business class passengers

Flight attendants are actually just Pretty Women wannabes who can’t put out on planes because the bathrooms are fucking disgusting (I said to stop asking about that).

But every now and then I score myself a business card which results in me having to blindly buy ice in the dead of the night and wondering if I was tipped well or not towards my 401K.

Dealing with weird hours

Flight Attendants halfway through an activity during the day

We are the reasons digital watches were invented; I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked outside, looked at the time and was still not sure if the rest of the world was waking up or stumbling home. I have admonished friends with great indignation for calling me at 2 o clock in the afternoon because “Who the hell is up at this hour?”

Smile for your money, Whore.

I AM SMILING as a flight attendant — I AM SMILING

I don’t want to smile all the time. It hurts my cheeks and it pains my face.

And I’m sure I start looking like a psychopath around the one-minute mark. But flight attendants are constantly told to “smile” and “have open body language at all times” to facilitate a “pleasant experience” for the “customer.”

I wish we had something akin to doggy style like the Pro Streetwalkers’ do so we could get a break once in a while.

Clients want to talk, and we want to walk

Oh really wow as a flight attendant — “Oh really wow that’s so cool.” – halfway through your story

I think flight attendants and concubines would both be so happy and fulfilled in our careers if we didn’t have to interact with people.

I’m joking of course. Your thoughts on the political topography of your home country I don’t care about is engrossing. Please do keep talking while I attempt to remember these fifteen drink orders and where they’re supposed to go. Don’t move for my sake either, I’m thrilled to work around you.

Pills are life

My plans for this layover as a flight attendant — My plan for most layovers.

While Molly and E aren’t quite as common in my line of work as our chaperone cousins, we do love to pop melatonin pills like candy, mostly to work around the weird hours and sleep through friends trying to call us at 2 o clock in the afternoon. And then whatever supplements we can grab for skin, hair and teeth because damn those seem to be deteriorating faster than usual.

But also sometimes Molly and E.

Amazing multitaskers

This isnt even my final form as a flight attendant — This isn’t even my final form

You would be amazed at what these two hands are capable of doing to make sure the hordes of clients are satisfied. You ever see a guy pour a cup of coffee while eye-balling a gin and tonic and making small talk in the midst of leg-shaking turbulence? It’s quite erotic.

Pristine and clean at the start of our shift – Walking dead by the end of it

Crawling from the plane to the crew bus as a flight attendant — Casually crawling from the plane after a flight.

Bruised, battered, lifeless eyes. Emanating waves of apathy after slogging off pieces of your dignity off to men and women with the ravenous appetite and pawing limbs of feral dogs.

This is the woebegone picture at the end of the workday – Hookers probably get it bad as well though I guess.

Latex protection against diseases is a must